Sunday, 21 February 2016

Future Docs science script

First Pint
Ahh, two units of alcohol. That’s not far short of your suggested daily intake limit. Drink more than this and you’re increasing risk to your health. The weekly limit is 14 though. So surely I can have a couple more pints and have Wednesday and Thursday off?

First Shot
Ooh, that hit the spot. And according to science it only counts as one unit of alcohol. The recommended limit is two to three units a day. I’d better have another one then.

Hell Yeah - Second Pint
Right, I’m up to four units now. I feel alright and everything is peachy. I’m over the recommended limit, but I don’t feel pissed yet, but I’ve got loads of room left for some more. Here’s some boring science that tells me where I’m going wrong. Do I look bothered?

No Thanks
Ooh, hello! I wasn’t expecting you. No one’s ever pressed that button before. Nice one! Keep up the good work sir! If you want to have a look at some fascinating alcohol science, click down there…

Science (for both options)
//Still working on this one!//

Corn Street
Look at this lot. A bit worse for wear, eh. Some of this lot have been drinking hard all night, and it looks it.

They’d better take it easy, mind, because binge drinking can cause blackouts, memory loss and heighten anxiety. On top of that, long-term drinking can result in permanent brain damage, serious mental health problems and alcoholism. Young people's brains are particularly vulnerable because the brain juice stuff is still developing, and alcohol can damage big chunks of it, affecting behaviour and the ability to learn and remember. Now where did I leave my phone?

Right then, what do I do? Go to the swanky bar for a slightly classier night out, maybe get a bit of food too? Or shall I just pile into the dive bar and get bladdered? You decide…

Nice Bar (Not eating chicken, cos I’m a veggie!)
Of course, you had a nice big dinner before you came out to soak up all that booze. Nah mate, a Mars Bar and a bag of Quavers doesn’t really count. You’d better grab a bit to eat before you drink any further.

Alcohol soaks through the walls of the stomach very quickly. The less is in there, the faster it will enter your blood stream. From a social point of view, you’ll feel its effects much quicker. But from a science point of view, the faster it is absorbed into your body, the bigger impact it has upon your liver, digestive system, kidneys, and cardiovascular system. So you will get hammered more quickly, but it’ll mess your body up more too.

Have something with a high natural fat content, as that slows down the rate of absorption into your blood stream. No, it’s not defeating the object, his helping you stay on your feet longer and healthier throughout the night. It might surprise you to learn that a chicken kebab is an ideal option, as the chicken’s amino acids will break down the booze and keep you going a bit longer. Failing that, a good old fashioned bag of nuts does the trick, as they replace all that tasty Vitamin B you’re loosing as you’re boozing.

But be sure to keep snacking regularly throughout the night - and be sure to avoid anything too greasy, cos it’ll be far uglier when it comes back up later in the night!

Club (Free drinks)
Ah, lovely free and cheap drinks. Surely you can’t go wrong there. But be warned, although we’re not suggesting that this fine establishment does it, it’s not unknown for the dodgier dives to water down their spirits, costing you both money and fun.

You’ve also got to watch out for the sticky sweet shots. Quite often they’re packed with sugary syrup, and while having only minimal alcohol content, they can seriously raise your blood sugar levels, putting regular drinkers at a much higher risk of diabetes. The alcohol interrupts the processes that digest sugars. On top of that, it can mess around with your natural insulin levels, leading to low blood sugar, fatigue and sudden lightheadedness. See, it’s not just the booze that does you in, it’s the stuff they mix it with too.

Nice girl. I’ll have a chat. you see, going out when drunk can be a bit like a real life Tinder. You see a girl you like, you find out what you’ve got in common, and you calculate how drunk you both are, and whether it’ll lead to something else. Something fun and exciting. Like Francesca here. I’m not too hammered now, and nor is she, so we’ve had a great chat, and now we’re off back to her to, term, chill out. Yeah, that’s it, chill out…

Really? No really? You’re picking the hammered girl just because you think she’ll be an easier shag? Poor form mate. Despite the state she’s in, she’s a great girl when she’s sober, she’s just having a rough night. And on top of that, she’s still someone’s sister - someone like your own sister - and you wouldn’t want a drunken sleaze bag climbing all over her, would you now. And worse still, you’ll both feel rubbish about it in the morning.

On top of that, your drunken fumbling state increases the chances that you’ll have unprotected sex. And that’s bad - for both of you. Sexually transmitted diseases are most common among straight young heterosexuals under the age of 25, with chlamydia, syphilis and gonorrhoea seeing massive percentage rises over the last ten years - and nearly all of this is caused by condomless sex. And despite their comedy name, genital warts are no fun either, and the virus that cause then can seriously effect your reproductive chances in the future. On top of that, they usually burn them off with liquid nitrogen, which is no fun, believe me. AIDS isn’t much of a laugh, either…

But that’s not the worst of it. Do you really want to get that girl pregnant over a drunken fumble that neither of you will really remember, and which probably won’t be any good anyway? And that’s if you can even get it up. Alcohol is a depressant, and can effect blood flow, meaning that you’re going to find it harder to get an erection,. and even harder to reach the happy finish - if you know what I mean.

And we won’t even get into the effects speed can have on your cobblers… Oof!


//Whatever the subject comes up with//

Thursday, 4 September 2014

I'm going to bloody China!

There comes a point in every boy's life where he's about to turn 50 and reckons he ought to do something interesting while he's still got his marbles. For many this may involve buying a motorbike, jumping out of a plane or getting leather trousers. Well I didn't much fancy any of those, and I'm still doing all the juvinile stuff like playing in punk rock bands and growing my hairy unfashionably long, so I thought I'd treat myself to a nice foreign trip.

I wanted to go somewhere I'd never been before, but I gave myself a limit of 400 quid on the flight, just to make it interesting, like. I was flirting the the Caucuses, the Stans and Central America, but a late night noodle on Skyscanner brought me an especial treat. £386 to Shanghai? On Air France? It would be rude not to.

It was only upon waking that I realised what I'd done. China's not really a place I'd ever considered going to, and everyone I know who's been there, shy of my Chinese speaking nephew who loves the place, reckons it's the most difficult and awkward place to negotiate as a floppy haired foreigner on the planet. Oh, so I guess a month was a tad too long then?

So what follows is a tiny travelogue of my trip, to show off all the cool places we've been to and you haven't, and also to give you the full run down of all the tropical diseases we contract. I won't post every day, because that would be tedious, but I shall keep you all posted by way of word and photograph.

Oh, and if you were thinking of coming around and robbing my house while we were away, don't bother. We've got lodgers in. And anyway, we've not really got that much that you'd want to nick.